[warrenpenalver]

Ok some of yoou may be aware i got dumped by my girlfreind by text a couple of months back with no real reasons.

Well Ive found out she cut off everyone she knows (including me) at same time then attempted suicide a few days later......

A bit of treatment and rest later and shes come crawling back.

She explained and i qoute "I dumped you so that youd stop loving me and then i could go and kill myself and not feel guilty that im hurting others doing it"

You can imagine my shock!! Sure i understand the twisted logic having been suicidal myself in the past BUT i would never dump someone or cut people off specifically to go kill myself!!! Thats just something you dont do!!! People cant just "stop" loving or caring about someone after a few words!!! its just not that simple!!! and id of thought a 24 year old mother of two would know that!!! I knew she was mentally immature for her age but didnt think she was that bad!!!!

Now she wants me back and has said sorry and is getting help, but im unsure about taking her back. Shes still clearly in love with me (and i am in love with her too but also feeling hurt) and very apologetic and promises never to do it again. BUT Im not sure she will go further in treatment than just a "plaster" to cover the mental wounds (thats all CMHT's will provide these days if you seem to be coping). So im not convinced that she will have the control to resist the impulse to dump everyone again in the future and do similar.

The kind side of me says to give her a second chance as it might work out fine and a good relationship will do me loads of good in social skills, self esteem and mental wellbeing, the other side of me says i dont need the emotional baggage when ive got my own problems and that id be better off seeking a emotionally stable partner.

So my dilema is what to do.

[weepuma]

Thats a real toughy hunni, i think it may be a decision u have to make on your own or with people that know u both personally.

Good Luck in whatever u decide though....

[Pumasparky]

You have been to hell and back yourself Warren, so you may be able to understand more than some others what she is going through.

Being human our hearts often rule our minds.

[Crystalpuma]

For what my opinion's worth I think very often (but not always) depressed people do better on their own. Sometimes it is important to be single in order to find yourself and learn to love yourself. That said, I am sure this is not the case with everyone, and maybe not a mother since she can never be selfish again anyway.

I suppose it comes down to whether you feel strong enough to take her on (sorry that is an awful turn of phrase but you know what I mean). One of my best friends is in almost exactly the same position as you. Why the hell do us humans make life so complicated for ourselves?!

Take your time and hope it works out for the best whatever you do *hug*

[Guy Incognito]

YOu are only just recovering yourself Warren. I dont know whether being the "strong" one in a relationship where trust will be an issue is something you are ready for or something that will set you both back?

I suspect you already know what you want to do. Is it the same thing as you think you should do?

YOu have a (half baked, speaking for myself) support network on here, some with experience or knowledge of mental illness and even suicidal thoughts so at least you have a back up.

If you do love her though you will take her back no matter how destructive it is likely to be, we all do it when the L word is involved. (Love, not lesbian Matt!)

Whatever you choose to do remember you are your number one priority!

Good Luck with your decision mate.

[zara014]

Sorry to hear of your troubles, but I agree with Guy you are still recovering yourself - maybe you both need more space and for her to get the continuing help she needs. But if you love her then you cant help how you feel - only human at the end of the day.

Good Luck with your decidion - sure it will be right for both of you.

Zara

[shyann]

Hi Warren,
It's a hard decision you've got to make. Do want to get back with her for the right reasons, would she try again, do you Need & the extra worry that she might give you. Maybe it would be better to not even think about getting back together for at least another couple of months - a 6 month break.
Good luck in your decision, >hug<



Ann

[happy-kat]

^ makes total sense to me what Matt has written

what ever you decide may you be strong

[Guy Incognito]

^ makes total sense to me what Matt has written

Does that worry you at all?

[Guy Incognito]

No I do agree with you Matt, you said what i meant and obviously you know more than me although i have a friend who regularly hits the self destruct button and I know how hard it is to support them. It must be even harder in a relationship if you feel similarly sometimes.

Hope you are feeling better Matt and Warren!

[mort666]

I admit to not having any experience with this sort of thing at all so I don't think I can add anything useful, apart from my best wishes in that whichever decision you end up making is the right one for you and even if it does get tough, you'll come through it OK whether it's on your own or with her.

One concern I woul dhave is as Matt mentioned about the possibility of you 'feeding' off each other and things becomming worse, especially seeing what happened with my friend and her hubby who was diagnosed with depression. She had to try and be the strong one, but unfortunately it got a bit much for her and she ended up having about 6 weeks off work and was also diagnosed with depression too.

Just always remember there are people on here who care about you and are always here and willing to give help and advice or even just somewhere to vent if needs be

[warrenpenalver]

Being human our hearts often rule our minds.

True!!! trying to be rational can be hard!!! Rationally the "caring" side of me says to go for it, the self preservation side says run a mile!!! thats before getting into emotions!!!

If you do love her though you will take her back no matter how destructive it is likely to be, we all do it when the L word is involved. (Love, not lesbian Matt!)

Thats the problem, Im a soppy git and love her!!

She sounds as fragile as you are, and that alone could be the basis for a brilliant future, but conversely a terrible one.

She is more fragile than me in my opinion!

Im trying not to judge her by her problems but the person she is.

2) The woman concerned needs to face facts. She needs to understand what is going on in her head, and that requires contact with experts.

Daft thing is that before she had kids she was a social worker!!!!!! She knows the facts but her opinion of herself is so low she has loads of excuses for why things wont work for her because for some reason she is "different" in her eyes. She likes to believe we are all wrong and that she is right, and that its "normal" to want to kill yourself and attempt suicide! She does realise what she is doing when she has some rational thought but when she is really low there is NO rational thought and thats why she needs the treatment to stop her getting that low or to help her when shes too ill to help herself. Its trying to convince her to make the effort and not give up. She had to fight to keep her kids from ending up with thier dad and i said to her that if she really had given up then she wouldnt of fought it!!! She had to admit i did have a point!! Also when shes low she says the kids are better off without her to which i reply that if thats really true then why do you fight to keep them??? She again has to agree!!! Im trying to get her to understand that kids see everything and that eventually her being unwell will affect the kids. That way at least if she accepts help for herself purely for the kids then as she improves she'll learn to do it for her as well.

as as a fellow nutter

[warrenpenalver]

so im screwed either way then unless she magically starts accepting help?????

I dont want to try and sort her problems loads either as i dont want her becoming dependant on me to function effectively herself. IE i want her to choose to stay with me because she loves me not because im sorting all her baggage out!!!

[warrenpenalver]

I am ready to be a step father when that comes. We arent close to moving in yet in my eyes!!! The ready made family thing appeals to me as non of the nappy issues!!!

I dont need her in any way except for the fact that i love her. Theres no rational need for me to have a relationship except to avoid loneliness or conform to social norms. But then love isnt rational...